THAT'S Entertainment
If you're looking for something to make you laugh, just pick up the daily newspaper. Especially among the headlines and advertisements (display and classified alike), you're bound to find something hilariously ludicrous... or at least mildly amusing.

Who Knew? Department

Moussaoui is abnormal, psychologist testifies Omaha World-Herald 4/19/2006


Hyphens Really Do Matter Department

From a major bank's newspaper display ad: Increase your rate penalty free.... (Reminds me of Dillard's startling E-mail promotion that trumpeted Pay Your Bill Online for Free!)


Aren't They Paying by the Word? Department
From a recent employment classified:

SHIPPING/ RECEIVING CLERK
XYZ Plastics, a leading custom injection molder, has an immediate opening for a Shipping/ Receiving Clerk in it's [oops] distribution center. Best-qualified applicants will have three to five years of experience in a warehouse environment [Within 50 feet or so okay?], forklift experience, and the ability to lift up to fifty pounds. Additionally, this person must be good with numbers [Guessing people's weight at the carnival?] and have computer experience entering data and generating reports. Qualified applicants should forward their resume or work history to [address].

This rewrite is clear, concise, and just as friendly, without a lot of the verbal baggage that some people believe is necessary to sound intelligent:

SHIPPING/ RECEIVING CLERK
XYZ Plastics Distribution Center, Southwest Omaha
We welcome your application if you meet our criteria: 3-5 years warehouse experience, forklift experience, ability to lift 50 pounds, math aptitude, computer data-entry and report experience. Please mail your résumé or work history to [address].

Keep Your Hands Off My Back Department
Excerpts from a recent display ad:

Do You Have A Herniated Disc And Are In A Lot Of Pain?
...Find out how space travel solved astronauts [sic] back pain and how this accidental discovery has lead [sic] to the most promising back pain treatment today.... Go to www.reallybadpain.com - call now.

Unfortunate Homonym Department

Militants in eastern Afghanistan engaged Omaha World-Herald 4/17/2006


Don't You Hate It When That Happens? Department

Dear Heloise: Sometimes when I'm traveling, I forget to bring my shoehorn....

Whose Antecedent? Pronoun Seeks Logical Connection

You know what a pronoun is, right? It's sort of a generic word that stands for a specific person, place, or thing. In the examples below, the pronouns are in italics:

• Belinda teetered on the edge of the diving board. She was afraid to jump.
• There must be two hundred boats out on the lake. They should head back to shore before the big storm strikes.

It makes sense that pronouns agree with their antecedents. If you're talking about Belinda, you wouldn't want to refer to her as him unless you're trying to confuse your listener or reader. About those two hundred boats—you wouldn't refer to them as it. If the antecedent is plural, any pronoun that refers to it must also be plural.

So why is it so common to see sentences like the following?

• On a quiet evening in 1950, the community was rocked by the explosion of their city hall.

The plural pronoun their refers to the singular noun community. The sentence should read

• On a quiet evening in 1950, the community was rocked by the explosion of its city hall

or, better yet,

• On a quiet evening in 1950, the explosion of City Hall rocked the community.

Much better. Yes?

Boeing-Airbus Competition Is Well Timed

Every Second Counts, but Not Literally

Today NPR's Morning Edition reported on the exit of Boeing's CEO, who had been having an affair with another Boeing muck-a-muck. The report suggested Boeing might have other problems as well, so the affair may not have been the only reason for Harry Stonecipher's departure. An aircraft-industry observer, speaking about Boeing's competitive battle with its transatlantic competitor Airbus, commented:

"Airbus is literally cleaning Boeing's clock."

If I were Boeing, I wouldn't let my industry archrival fool around with my clock. Airbus's corporate espionage people might be tinkering with the mechanism so that Boeing's entire work force, noting that the clock reads "5:00," actually goes home at 2:30. Or maybe the Hands of Time are weighing heavily on the Shoulders of Responsibility such that Boeing personnel, having Feet of Clay, can't work up a Head of Steam and eventually take up Arms of Enmity and try to throttle their managers by grasping their Necks of Spaghetti with Fingers of Fury....

You got a better explanation?

Grandma's Grammar Guide and Better Ways with Words and Phrases

Are You Being Paid by the Word?

If so, the following phrases from an actual document can hardly be improved. (Alternatives—preferable if your goal is clarity, not quantity—are in italics.)

The following list of additional information
The following information

Used for the publicity and fundraising efforts
Used for publicity and fundraising

Spaces specifically designed for child care
Spaces for child care or spaces designed for child care (or ...for children)

Is located adjacent to the corporate headquarters
Is next to corporate headquarters

Children have the opportunity to play safely
Children can play safely

Community activities to assist in providing seniors with healthy and active lifestyles
Community activities to help seniors lead healthy and active lives

morewordsandphrasesmorewordsandphrasesmorewordsandphrasesmorewor

Q. What’s wrong with this sentence? “Company X decided to build a model facility as part of their expansion.”

A. Pronouns should agree with their antecedents. Company X is singular, so change the possessive pronoun their to its.

This error rankles!

This highly respected radio network should know better!
Heard today on Morning Edition:  

"It rankled him."

More and more often, speakers and writers use the word rankle as a transitive verb that takes a direct object, as in the example above. You'll see this nonstandard usage supported in today's "descriptive" dictionaries. The original, and still prevalent, usage is as an intransitive verb with no direct object:

"Though Veronica was glad that Buford had stopped making verbal attacks, his attitude still rankled."

A concise definition of to rankle is "to cause annoyance."